Laying Things To Rest

I have found it so easy to become depressed during the Christmas holidays; it's cold outside, dark early and the ending of another year is tying up lose ends.

The end of every year I find myself reflecting upon the memories - good and bad. And of course, we all begin to think and dream about the year to come. I don't think there's ever been a year where I've said, "I did it all!" or "I accomplished all I wanted or could have!". Every year I find myself somewhat disappointed that I didn't do more, try harder or dream bigger.

This year I can hardly handle the heartache of not being in a house. I feel like our entire life was wrapped around looking, planning, saving, researching and dreaming of what Cola's second birthday would be like in our very own home or what Christmas would be like in our new place. When I start thinking of the end I know the beginning is just around the corner. 2012 will be here before we know it. Part of me just wants to lay things to rest. Stop hoping and believing for these big things to happen for our family and just dream differently.

But I am realizing the dream didn't fail, the plan did. The dreamer in us will never die but sometimes we just have to try a different route and plan a different strategy. My nerves become immediately frazzled when I think of starting to save for a house from scratch again. Everything we held on to is now gone - gone to dental work, hospital bills or rent payments.

I'm not sure what our new plan will be or how we can do it better but I don't want the dream to die. The plan may need to be rebirthed but the dream has to live on.