10 Things I Hate About ME

The older get and the more responsibility I accumulate, the more I realize I have so many details about my character and personality that I hate. These details are things that I am not sure will ever change and then there are habits that I have realized I will never outgrow. I have learned one thing: you don't outgrow habits and until you are pro-active enough to kill these habits daily they are merely a nuisance, buried alive that will continually resurface just to haunt you.

I have to admit I know what I hate about myself. I know what qualities I would change about myself if I had a magic wand-but I don't. To be honest, most of these struggles and characteristics have been present most of my life and this brings me to the first thing I hate about myself-I honestly do not know how to change my character. I don't know how to hold my tongue and to be gracious to the people who have hurt me so badly or how to forget these wrongdoings. But that's not to say I don't try. I could look at this post and cheerfully say, "Well, I know how NOT to change these things." And that's the truth. Try after try seems to bring me to the same place of failure.

Maybe there is someone out there as vulnerable as myself to publicly post all the things you hate about yourself, probably not, but here goes nothing.

1. I hate, that what I hate, never changes no matter how hard I try to change it.

2. I hate, that every time I give someone the benefit of the doubt they seem to fail me and I am too angry to let these failures go.

3. I hate that there have been times in my life where I got hurt and offended when people aren't as loyal to me as I have been to them and I especially hate that these happenings still hurt. Never give loyalty and expect anything in return.

4. I hate that I was naive enough to believe that if I worked hard enough and paid so much money for a college education that it would bring me financial stability and my dream job.

5. I hate that I hate my weight but I am too lazy to do anything about it and always seem to eat when I think about it. That just makes NO sense.

6. I hate that after being a mom for two years I can't honestly say I am any better of a mom now, then I was the first time I held my son.

7. I hate that I continuously grieve the absence of my friends from college and my youth instead of enhancing my life by making new friends.

8. I hate that I allow the ignorance of others to make me sin in areas of anger and a bad attitude. I should pay more attention to myself than others.

9. I hate that I allow trials to be taken personally when really we are all subject to anything no matter how hard we have worked, how healthy we are or where we came from.

10. I hate that while writing this list I am thinking this will be my list next year and the next and the next. I am a pessimist.

Am I to 10 already? Wow, maybe I should entitled this post 10+ Things I Hate About Me. The reason I hate these things so much about myself is because when I think of who I want to be in life and where I want to be in life I realize daily that these are some of the very things that are hindering me from being that person and getting to that place.

Ultimately, I just want to be a good mom, in a place that is stabilized by love and happiness. I want to acheive some amount of goodness in my life that others are touched by and I know I will only get to these places when I have a clear pathway that shows me how. It's like the old children's church song: He's Still Working On Me-only this song can ring true for all of us.